The Right Expectation To Set For My Child In School

My daughter S, is taking the high stakes Primary School Leaving Exam, aka the PSLE this year. It is the nationwide exam that all twelve-year-olds take in Singapore to ascertain their academic ability. The results will determine the type of courses and Secondary schools they are eligible for. Parents and children are stressed about the PSLE because the Secondary school course the children qualify for, to a large extent, determines their future educational and career options. Naturally, all parents want their children to go to the best schools possible. However, what is the right expectation to set for our children?

My husband and I both attended very good Secondary schools and went on to stable professional careers. So I would be lying if I say I do not have high expectations of my children to get good school grades. Other than my own desire, part of the stress about my children’s academic performance come from the belief that family and friends expect my husband and I to produce top scorers.

I pay close attention to school work. But alas. S has never distinguished herself academically. When she was younger, coaching her for her spelling tests would make my husband pull his hair out. She often forgot to do her homework and I received frequent calls from her teachers about her tardiness. A dreamy child, she was happier building castles in the air than doing Math questions. I needed to check in on her regularly to ensure she was focusing on her homework. My husband and I were often exasperated at how slow she was and how little she could complete in one day.

Parenting is very much like a Science experiment where you keep tweaking the variables to get the best results. Over the years, I learnt and applied my knowledge as a teacher to help S with her studies. I tackled S from different angles- heart, mind, soul and environment. When one motivational strategy didn’t work, I tried another. I taught her study skills and signed her up for extra tuition classes. I kept improving on the home space, tweaking room layout or adding visual reminders, to give her a more conducive learning environment.

To put it simply, my husband and I tried our best to help her reach her potential. At this point, 5 months to the D date, S is not bad but not great either. We certainly see no sign of top school material yet. I am nervous for S, but I also check myself regularly to see if I’m putting too much pressure on her, whether my expectations are fair and if my intentions are selfish.

I ask myself: “Is obtaining certain grades important because it reflects my success as a parent or am I afraid of feeling guilty that I have not done enough?” This is a year of soul searching and understanding my role in my daughter’s studies.

Am I supporting my daughter well?

A few days ago, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with S. I asked her what she thought about the amount of effort she put into her studies. To my surprise, she said that she was doing her best. She felt she could do better, but at this point, her school grades were as good as she could get. I also asked her if Daddy and Mummy have supported her sufficiently or given her too much pressure. She assured me that we have done enough and the rest was up to her.

I’ve always thought that she was too laid-back and not putting in much effort. Her replies made me rethink the way she learns. During homework time, whenever I found her tinkling on the piano or looking for snacks, I thought she was avoiding work. However, 30mins of work was all she could concentrate for, even though 30 mins was a very short time to me.

While the desire to be the best drives me to strive for good results, that is not my daughter’s motivation. She is motivated more by pursuing new knowledge that feeds her curiosity about the world. She loves pop quiz questions like, ‘Which is the largest forest in the world?’ and ‘What is the most common gas on planet Earth?’. When she wants to learn how to draw anime character, she will google search tutorials herself and learn from them.

Every child can learn.

Every child wants to learn and succeed.

S wants to do well, but she is not the type to spend all the time studying and give up on her hobbies to chase the elusive A. She wants to pursue something that allows more room for creativity in future. She knows the importance of her academic work and is putting in daily effort, just not as much effort as I would like. She continues to devour 3 novels a week and play with digital art, even though I think they take up too much of her time. But without her books and art, she wilts.

Upon reflection, I realised that it is my expectations of her that needs adjusting.  She is who she is—her intellectual, emotional, genetic make-up and all.

Impact of Parental Expectations

It is good to set high expectations of our children. Research shows that having high expectations signals to our children that we think highly of their capabilities. It shows that we care about them. This can build their confidence and achievement orientation.

Parental expectations are harmful when they are not attuned to our children’s interests, talents or tendencies. They can cause excessive stress and esteem issues when children don’t meet out expectations. With statistics showing an increase in anxiety and stress among youths, I am grateful that my daughter is not stressed about her PSLE. Cool as a cucumber, she feels that being excessively stressed is bad as it will make her lose the ability to think clearly. I must have done something right along the way in providing a warm home environment, for S remains cheerful and happy every day (in a supposedly stressful year), taking the large amount of homework and frequent assessments in stride.

Excessively high expectations may even blind us to the progress of our children. When I look back, I could see how much S has grown. She is much better at managing her time now. She has become more organised and responsible about completing her work. She is aware of her weaknesses and is working on them. Academically, she has improved tremendously. I should celebrate her progress instead of feeling disappointed that she has not reached the goals I wished for her.

A healthier mindset to deal with academic expectations

This year, I want to practice what I preach— aim for progress and not perfection. This is a healthier mindset not just in dealing with academic performance but all things we want to do well in life. Stress comes when we try to compare ourselves with others. I’m an imperfect mother. My daughter is an imperfect child. What is important is that we constantly learn to do better, not to measure up to an arbitrary yardstick that society defines as successful. I want to learn to nurture my daughter better based on her talents, aspirations and tendencies. My daughter’s worth and my worth is not defined by our achievements but by our character. I also want to stop judging my parenting ability based on others’ expectations of me or my child.

Nevertheless, as a parent, I’m still the home coach walking this PSLE journey with her. I continue to encourage her, set goals with her, track results, formulate action plans, and push her. However, the focus is on finding improvement continually, not chasing a final grade.

This post is a reminder to myself that in parenting, I need to take the long view. As long as she builds good character, develops the right mindsets, and does her best in school, success will come her way, however she defines it in future. As for me, setting the right expectations will help me to be a happier and more relaxed mummy.

Below is a poster on the 5 key expectations I set for my children with regard to school.

What are some positive expectations you set for your children? Do share with me. I believe that connecting with other parents helps us learn and grow in our parenting journey.