‘I am a role-model.’
That is the most important mindset a parent should have. Why? Because if we don’t exhibit the beliefs, values and attitudes in our actions, then nothing we say to our children will be convincing. Role-modelling is the single most important element that impacts whether a value sticks or not with our children. When we teach our children to persevere in the face of difficulty, they need to see us persevere in the challenges we face, be it in our work or family life.
Our actions reveal our true values and beliefs. Children are perceptive and can pick out the discrepancies in adults’ words and their actions. Research on children from Christian families who grow up and turn atheists found that parents’ hypocrisy had a large part to play. This calls for Christian parents to examine whether their daily life reflects their faith.
Impact of Role-Modelling on Children’s Relationships
Parents are the first people who show children how to interact with other people. When parents speak respectfully to children, the elderly and people from all walks of life, children learn that that is the right thing to do. Chilren also sub-consciously internalise our speech patterns, and mannerisms. Prejudice towards any social group often begins at home. When we show more positivity to a particular social group compared to another, children pick that up too.
There is a lot of research on how the interactions between husbands and wives impacts children’s views about marriage and gender identity. When parents model a loving and equal relationship, children sub-consciously absorbs the expectation of having such a relationship in their future marriage. They also have greater confidence in creating and maintaining a happy marriage.
Impact of Role-Modelling on Children’s Career Choices
What do Kate Hudson, Rahul Gandhi and Forrester Mars have in common? They are all children who followed their parents’ career choices. Kate Hudson is an actress in many successful films, including ‘Bride Wars’ and ‘Almost Famous’. She is the daughter of Goldie Hawn, an established actress in the 1980s. Rahul Gandhi is the son of the late Indian Prime Minister, Rajiv Gandhi. He joined active politics in 2004 and led the Congress Party into the 2019 Indian general election. As for Forrester Mars, he made the Mars Candy Company even more successful after taking over from his father in 1934. These children show how much easier it is to enter an industry when their parents show them the way.
These examples are also testament to positive role-modelling where children see that their parents’ career choices are viable and attractive.
Here are 2 things we can do to become better role models.
1. Be Authentic and Work on Yourself
Be authentic and real. Check whether the things you say match the things you do. Does the way you work and treat people reflect your values? When I had children, having personal integrity took on higher significance for me. Wanting to be good role-model has challenged me to be a better version of myself each day. Failures to meet my own expectations have also made me go into many moments of soul searching in order to overcome my weaknesses. I am a natural worrier and I see a similar pessimistic streak in my son. So whenever I catch myself worrying excessively about certain things, practicing the skills to stop worrying and leaning in on my faith have given me more confidence in guiding my son to do the same.
2. Make Role-modelling Visible
Share the experiences openly, good or bad. Show what you did and how you dealt with them. Some parents shield children from the challenges they face at work or marital conflicts. They want to keep family secrets in the closet. However, exposing children to the difficult situations adult face can be invaluable in building up children’s knowledge base on how to deal with similar difficulties when they grow up. Many children who are street smart build up their survival instincts because they personally experience difficult social environments. They develop practical strategies to navigate the world they live in.
For children in safe and sheltered environments, it is hard for them to gain such real-world exposure and practice problem-solving. This is why parents should share their experiences and explain how they deal with them. Our thinking process, actions and rationale for our choices make role-modelling visible to our children. Our regrets in life are instructive as well.
At dinner tables, we can talk about a difficult customer that we’ve encountered. Even if we are not able to resolve the issue, our children can still can take away something from the experience. When children see parents quarrel and apologise to each other openly, they see forgiveness rendered and how to resolve marital conflicts.
Revealing our weakness shows we are not perfect but we should also show that we are working on it.
In the safety of our home, we can process the various experiences adults face in age-appropriate language. This will help our children develop sensitivity, awareness of the real world, and help them mature.