Growing up is hard.
School is hard.
Besides all the academic things they need to grasp every day, children navigate an increasingly complex social landscape to make friends and resolve conflicts.
All of us thrive due to our strengths, not our weaknesses. Children especially, need to know their own strengths in order to gain positive self-esteem and confidence to overcome daily challenges.
Research has shown that a strengths-based approach to parenting builds resilience in children. When parents deliberately identify and nurture their child’s positive attributes and qualities, it helps them create a ‘positive filter’ that makes them more able to cope with and adapt to stress. How it does this is that children tap consciously on their strengths to deal with the challenges they are facing. For instance, if a child is struggling to pass Math, he can tap on his strength of ‘Bravery’ to face Math head on. He can also tap his strength of ‘Optimism’ to look on the bright side of things in order to deal with stress.
If children are conscious of their own strengths, they are also more likely to recognise strengths in others, leading to more harmonious relationships.
In order to help children tap on their strengths, they first need to be aware of what these strengths are. School going children are still forming their self-identity and often require adults around them to validate their strengths are based on observations. However, when adults praise children for strengths we observe in them, they may be skeptical, wondering if we are objective or if we have a hidden agenda.
That is where the VIA Character Strengths Survey is useful. It is a scientifically valid, peer-reviewed tool that helps children to focus on their strengths. The youth version is suitable for ages 8 to 17 and is widely used in schools today. What is great about the survey is that it is descriptive and not prescriptive. The children reads a description and decides if it is ‘very much like them’ or ‘not like them’.
Eg. I don’t boast about what I achieve.
Eg. I think that life is very exciting.
As the questions describe how the children respond to situations in daily life, children are more convinced by the strengths shown in the results.
About Character Strengths
The 24 character strengths identified came from the studies of Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Neil Mayerson (Peterson & Seligman, 2004). These character strengths are universally valued, meaning they are valued in all cultures. Decades of research has increased our understanding of character strengths. Firstly, character strengths are positive traits all humans posses. We each possess all 24 of these strengths in different degrees and combinations. For example, one person may be high in expressing their strength of bravery, whereas another person may be more moderate in expressing it. Secondly, we flourish when we identify and flex our strengths. People who express their character strengths tend to be less stressed, more engaged, and happier with life.
Thirdly, these strengths are learnable! Character strengths are not like personality traits that remain relatively stable over time. Our strengths can change and develop over time. It depends on which strength we choose to focus on and develop.
In the strengths profile, your child will find a ranking of all 24 character strengths with his most-used strengths at the top, and his less-used strengths toward the bottom. By the way, all 24-character strengths matter—no one strength is more important than another.
Do the survey here.
I planned a family activity using the survey to raise my children’s awareness of the family’s strengths and promote bonding. Here’s what I did.
Family Bonding Activity
1. Do the Survey as a Family
On one of our weekly Friday Family Time, I got my 2 older children and husband to do the online survey. I already did the survey in advance so that I could guide the kids if they didn’t understand a survey question. Everyone had a really fun time deciding if a description fitted them. Once they submitted the survey, their free, downloadable strengths profile was generated. I then wrote down the top 5 strengths of each family member on paper.
2. Discuss the Strength Definitions
Next, my husband and children took some time to read their own profile and asked questions about what each strength meant. Clarifying what a strength looked like in different contexts was important in consolidating understanding. My husband and I listed examples when a strength needed more clarification. For example, my son didn’t get what ‘perseverance’ meant. We explained that he showed perseverance when he completed his math even though he got frustrated and wanted to give up many times. He showed perseverance too when he repeated an online game several times in order to move on to the next level.
3. Affirm Each Other’s Strengths
This was the most meaningful segment. We took turns to share our top 5 strengths and affirmed one another by listing more examples of where we saw those strengths exhibited. My daughter S, was surprised that ‘Self-Regulation’ was one of her top five as she felt she was ill-disciplined when it came to her school work. However, the definition of ‘Self-Regulation’ included the ability to control feelings and emotions. As a calm child who is slow to anger, my husband and I took the chance to validate her in that area. The survey also confirmed her hunch that social intelligence was one of her top strengths. She had lots of friends and could engage people of all ages in conversation easily.
It was very encouraging when the children affirmed their parents’ strengths just as we affirmed theirs. We also noticed that ‘Fairness’ was a top strength in the all the family members. That led to more conversation about what fairness meant to us and where we wished we would see more fairness in the family and in society.
4. Stress the Value of Knowing Out Strengths
I needed to bring the children to the main objective of the activity – to appreciate character strengths and tap on them in daily life. So, to bring the session to a close, I asked my children to share why they thought it might be good for them to know their own strengths. Each of us then shared some situations where we felt our strengths have helped us.
Finally, I highlighted two key messages that I hope they would take to heart:
One. God made them special and unique. They shouldn’t compare themselves with others or feel bad about qualities they don’t have. God has a special purpose for them in this world.
Two. They should use their strengths to help themselves and others. When they encounter challenges, tap on their strengths to overcome them. They can also develop the lesser strengths they would like.
Aristotle says that ‘knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.’ I hope that in my children’s journey to know themselves, they learn to shape themselves too.
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