Do you have trouble getting your kids to stop a naughty behaviour? Or yell at your kids when they don’t listen? How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so They Will Talk (HTTSKWL), by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, offers timeless tips on how to talk to children. Although it is written more than 40 years ago, it is still the go-to book for many parents today.
It won’t add much value to offer a standard book summary here as there are already many out there. Instead, this post will direct you to some. I also share my free concept map at the bottom as I find it easier to integrate with existing knowledge and remember what I learnt in visual form.
Some Helpful Book Summaries:
– Detailed chapter summary by becomingeden.com
– One page bullet point summary
– Video Summary by Real Happy Endings
What do I like about the book?
1. It Lays Out the Parental Mindsets and Values to Adopt
HTTSKWL is a social skills book that breaks down communication with children into actionable talk moves. What I find helpful is that it starts with the fundamentals: the underlying principles, mindsets and attitudes that parents should take. It is our mindsets that shapes the way we talk.
The key attitudes championed by the book are:
– Empathy: Connect with our children by walking in their shoes and seeing the situation from their eyes.
– Respect: we show respect by focusing on the matter and not accusing the person. We do not put labels on children or yell.
– Empower kids: Offer helpful actions children can take, resources and skills to grow their ability to make the right choices. Do not simply dictate.
– Build self-esteem: Communicate the traits and strengths children can tap on to overcome a challenge.
2. Communication Strategies Are Applicable To Both Children and Adults
Given the universality of the above attitudes, many of the communication strategies can be applied to both adults and children. For instance, there is little difference in how we show we are listening attentively to kids and to adults. So we can use the lessons in the way we listen to an adult friend facing problems too. The tips given here may seem pretty basic. Nevertheless, they are good reminders. The most important outcome of listening is: acknowledge our children’s feelings. Instead of dismissing or downplaying those feeling, we give the feeling a name (sad/ angry/ frustration). Another important tip I got was to give what my children wish for in fantasy so they feel comforted that I understand them.
Eg. I wish I could have 36 hours a day so you have more time to play.
Eg. I wish you could have 5 puppies (even though I know it is a wish I cannot grant).
The talk moves offered by the writers are also contextualized in different common situations that parents may find difficult to deal with. So they are practical. There are many actual examples of what to say and how to say it.
What could be clearer in the book?
3. Target Age Group and Child Profile
Though there are many talk strategies shared, it is not always clear what age group the strategy is suitable for. As I read, it was important to assess whether a strategy is better for a toddler, preschooler or child between 7-12 years old. The problem-solving process seems more suited for children age 7 and above. Children’s executive function is still immature. They need executive function (a set of mental skills that help children plan their actions, follow instructions, remember and control their behaviour) to plan solutions and follow through with them. Children younger than 7 will need parents to take the lead in offering the solutions and right behaviour to adopt. It is hard to imagine younger children being able to generate ideas to solve their problems.
Also, children only begin to understand consequences around age 6 and are much better at it around age 13. Parents and caregivers need to adjust their expectations of their children’s bahaviour accordingly.
Some situations also seem to present the children as mild and reasonable, when in reality, some children are strong-willed and resistant to change. Even if we apply the strategies well, we need to exercise flexibility and patience to see results.
4. How to Decide Which Talk Move to Use?
I find it easier to apply the talk moves when I categorise the situations given in the book according to:
a) what is the child’s need in that situation
b) what is the objective of the communication
This is something the book does not do. Essentially, the premise taken by the writers is that parents have difficulty with 2 types of communication:
a) Personal problems (friendship issues, failure in school, loss of something precious etc.)
b) Misbehaviour (tantrums, disrespect, irresponsible acts with other children or possessions etc.)
But beyond communication dealing with problems and conflict, there are also many other tips for:
c) Everyday interactions (adhering to time limits for play, learning a new skill etc.)
The talk moves suggested are geared towards eliciting co-operation, empowering and building up children.
Personal Problems
With personal problems, the parent’s communication objective is to help children make sense of the problem and empower the children to arrive at a solution. The writer offers the problem-solving approach. The communication process is pretty standard and universal. How parents tweak it depends on how mature and able the child is in ideation and decision-making. That determines how much handholding parents offer.
Process:
1) Describe the problem without judging the child’s character. Break it down- why it happened, how it happened etc.
2) Brainstorm for ideas (include all wild ideas)
3) Narrow the list and select what is acceptable and doable
4) Encourage children to make a choice (ask questions to help them understand the reasons for their decision)
5) Direct children to other resources and help
Misbehaviour
With misbehaviour, the primary objective is behavioural change. There is a whole repertoire of strategies depending on whether it is a first time offence or repeated offence and the severity. We need to think about whether we have first made our expectation clear, and whether the behaviour is something our children are capable of performing. Key suggestions offered are:
1) Factually describe the behaviour (without judgement or accusation)
2) Inform child of what he needs to do (state clear expectations)
3) Provide the rationale (as well as negative consequences of their problematic behaviour)
4) Share your feelings
5) Write out point 1 to 4 as a note (useful visual reminder)
The important take-away is: Explaining the WHY is as important as the WHAT.
Repeated Misbehaviour
When it comes to dealing with repeated misbehaviour, the focus is on reinforcement to make the right behaviour stick with children. Besides restating our expectations and sharing our feelings, other steps we can take include:
1) Point out ways the child can be helpful
2) Show the child how to make amends
3) Offer a choice (with consequences made clear)
4) Take action – remove privilege
5) Let them experience the consequences
6) Problem-solve: brainstorm for a mutually aggreeable solution together
I find that some behaviour changes are really hard for certain personality types. My daughter is rather forgetful and messy. She has a habit of leaving her books around the house after reading them. She knows she needs to put them away on the bookshelf but the habit is hard to stick. The urge to go off and play after reading is stronger than the need to pack. It has been years and I am still working with her to be tidy.
Everyday Interactions
The communication objective in everyday interactions is varied. It may be to elicit cooperation from kids or build up self-esteem and character. It may be to show love and concern too. The tips are covered in Chapter 5: Encouraging Autonomy, Chapter 6: Praise and Chapter 7: Free Children from Playing Roles (See my concept map for the key tips). These are what I consider ‘peace-time’ conversations where parents show we are our children’s champions and ardent supporters. When we build trust and close bond with them, the hard conversations in conflict situations will be easier to handle.
In sum, this is a very good book with actionable talk moves. If you want to find more examples that address a target age-group, or situation more specifically, check out other books in the series. Over the years, more books have been written all based on the fundamentals set out in the first book. If you like HTTSKWL, check these titles out:
– How To Talk: Siblings Without Rivalry
– How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen
– How To Talk So Kids Can Learn At Home And In School
– How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk
– How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood