How to Say ‘Sorry’ Properly

The girl cries when her brother takes away the toy teapot she was playing. You make the brother apologise. He utters a hurried and insincere “sorry” then scampers off to play something else. Does the brother understand what is wrong about his action? Probably not. Will the same snatching incident happen again? You bet. So how can we teach children to say ‘sorry’ properly? Here is an apology sequence I use to promote reflection and learning.

1. Apologise for the specific action.

Eg. I am sorry for taking away your toy.

Just saying sorry is not enough. The child must know what he is apologising for. If he doesn’t know, then we need to help him identify what exactly is wrong.

2. State the value the action violates or the negative impact on others.

Eg. I have been disrespectful and it made you cry.
Eg. It is unfair as you were playing with it first.

Identifying the value violation teaches the child to ‘see’ what a value looks like in action. As parents, we should intentionally create a list of actions and words associated with a value to help our child internalise what the value means. I like to add, “do you want the same thing to be happen to you?” It reinforces the golden moral rule, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’.

Verbalising the negative impact on others teaches consequences. It strengthens social awareness. Over time, the child will develop better self-control when he can think through consequences before he acts. Most children do not have the ability to formulate the words to express the value or impact yet. We can give them the words and have them repeat after us.

3. Seek forgiveness.

Eg. Will you please forgive me?

The victim needs to accept the apology. Sometimes, the child can be too angry and refuses to respond. That is when we need to give the child some time to cool down before brokering the reconciliation.

4. State the right behaviour to take.

Eg. I need to ask for permission first before playing with your toys.

We need to teach our child the right behaviour. Do not assume they know. Very often, we need to problem-solve with them because they don’t know how to fix their mistake. They don’t know what action to take.

Sometimes, a wrong act is an accident, like stepping on the sandcastle a sibling has painstakingly built. In this case, the right thing to do is for the child to help his sibling rebuild the sandcastle. Alternatively, we can ask what amends the sibling want. Even if it is an accident, the wrongdoer needs to learn that there are natural consequences to be faced.

Here are more examples of how the apology sequence could look like in different situations.

Finally, I like to end off my apology sequence with hugs for all the people involved and an ‘I love you’. Then I know all is good.