It started like this. M saw a bunch of candy on the dining table and asked me if she could have one. I knew they were her brother’s, given to him by his English teacher for a piece of writing done well. So I told her to ask her brother for permission instead, which she did directly.
“Ooookaay,” he said, albeit a little grudging. After gobbling it up, M then asked C if she could have another one. This time, it was a firm ‘No’. So M came back to me, in a voice like a wounded kitten, to lament that her brother wouldn’t share his candy even though he had so many more.
All this while, I was in the kitchen, washing some dishes. I turned back and saw that there were about 5 more candy on the table. It was just the Fruit Plus chewy candy, a common type of candy that the children often received from friends or relatives. Seeing how sad she looked, I thought of a win-win solution. I proposed this: if C could give M one more candy now, I would buy a new pack for them both at the supermarket the next day. There, now both children would get more candy than they asked for.
Lo and behold, my proposal triggered an immediate explosion in the brother. “M is always taking my candy. And you always help her!”
Wow. Where did that come from? My blood pressure started to rise. However, I was unwilling to get into an argument with my son so I told him it was fine if he didn’t want to share. Instead, I consoled my daughter. I would get her some Fruit Plus the next day.
“Now she gets candy for nothing,” came C’s next outburst. My immediate thoughts were that my son was ungenerous and petty, creating a storm in a teacup. Just as I was about to voice out those criticisms, years of cultivated Mummy instincts pulled up the emergency brake and put a stop to my words. I let out a sigh, stopped what I was doing, sat by my boy, and asked, “What made you say that?”
The next half an hour was spent listening to and clarifying C’s grievance. Dear parents, do you know what parenting mistakes I made? Between garbled and childish expressions, here’s what I made out.
1. It’s Not Just Any Candy
The candy was a reward for his good performance. He deserves to enjoy them all himself. By forcing him to share, I was undermining his sense of pride and achievement. Why should his sister, who had no part in his hard work, partake in his reward? Buying him a new pack of candy was simply to make up for his loss. It held no meaning to him as it was never about the number of candies. A new pack would not carry any of the praise that came with those his teacher gave him.
He had a point. If I received a bonus at work for good performance, I would not be happy too if someone asked to share my money. There was no fairness in giving away some of my bounty to anyone just because I had much and someone had none.
2. ‘Not Sharing’ Is Made Out To Be Bad
Buying his sister candy also added to his hurt as she was getting candy only because she needed to be consoled for the brother’s refusal to share, not because she had done anything to deserve them. The brother was made out to be ‘the bad guy’ for not sharing. This was inconsistent with what I said about it being ok not to share.
This point of view was valid too. I was indeed making up for my daughter’s disappointment. By doing what I did, my actions was at odds with my words. Also, I wasn’t teaching my son generosity. Sharing needed to come willingly from his heart. I’ve simply associated sharing with resentment for his sister.
3. Giving More May Encourage Greed
Giving also seemed to encourage the recipient’s greed. C was worried that if he gave an inch, his sister would take a mile, which this incident proved. Not satisfied with one candy, she asked for another. She even lobby for parental support and I was showing favourtism when I negotiated on her behalf. If she got what she wanted, she would continually ask for more each time.
M wasn’t a sly and greedy little girl. In her naïve mind, she just didn’t understand why her brother, who had many more candies, couldn’t give her another one. However, and I hated to admit this, the brother’s assumption was valid too. I could have taught M to be contented with what she got since her brother already gave her a candy. I could have taught her to respect what belongs to her brother. I could have offered M another type of candy we have at home to satisfy her sweet tooth. Instead, I indulged her desire for her brother’s candy. This could indeed lead to more covetousness in future. Woe befalls me if I’m the sinner who is the genesis of greed in my child!
What’s Next Then?
After hearing all this, what could I do but to humbly apologise to my son that it was my fault for causing him hurt and anger. The next step was to heal the bad blood between brother and sister by helping both understand the other’s point of view. Upon deeper reflection, I realise that I have been too eager to make my daughter happy and neglected the values I transmitted. I’m also reminded to think through my parental involvement in sibling conflicts more carefully, as to whether my actions would promote sibling love or discord.