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How to Say ‘Sorry’ Properly

Discipline

Joyce SJ Chua

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March 30, 2022

The girl cries when her brother takes away the toy teapot she was playing. You make the brother apologise. He utters a hurried and insincere “sorry” then scampers off to play something else. Does the brother understand what is wrong about his action? Probably not. Will the same snatching incident happen again? You bet. So how can we teach children to say ‘sorry’ properly? Here is an apology sequence I use to promote reflection and learning.

1. Apologise for the specific action.

Eg. I am sorry for taking away your toy.

Just saying sorry is not enough. The child must know what he is apologising for. If he doesn’t know, then we need to help him identify what exactly is wrong.

2. State the value the action violates or the negative impact on others.

Eg. I have been disrespectful and it made you cry.
Eg. It is unfair as you were playing with it first.

Identifying the value violation teaches the child to ‘see’ what a value looks like in action. As parents, we should intentionally create a list of actions and words associated with a value to help our child internalise what the value means. I like to add, “do you want the same thing to be happen to you?” It reinforces the golden moral rule, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’.

Verbalising the negative impact on others teaches consequences. It strengthens social awareness. Over time, the child will develop better self-control when he can think through consequences before he acts. Most children do not have the ability to formulate the words to express the value or impact yet. We can give them the words and have them repeat after us.

3. Seek forgiveness.

Eg. Will you please forgive me?

The victim needs to accept the apology. Sometimes, the child can be too angry and refuses to respond. That is when we need to give the child some time to cool down before brokering the reconciliation.

4. State the right behaviour to take.

Eg. I need to ask for permission first before playing with your toys.

We need to teach our child the right behaviour. Do not assume they know. Very often, we need to problem-solve with them because they don’t know how to fix their mistake. They don’t know what action to take.

Sometimes, a wrong act is an accident, like stepping on the sandcastle a sibling has painstakingly built. In this case, the right thing to do is for the child to help his sibling rebuild the sandcastle. Alternatively, we can ask what amends the sibling want. Even if it is an accident, the wrongdoer needs to learn that there are natural consequences to be faced.

Here are more examples of how the apology sequence could look like in different situations.

Specific Action	Value & Impact	Seek Forgiveness	Right Behaviour
I am sorry for spoiling your artwork.	It was an accident and I didn’t mean to but I know all your effort is now wasted.	Will you please forgive me?	I will be more careful next time. Is there something I can do for you?
I am sorry for hitting you.	It caused you pain and hurt you.	Will you please forgive me?	I will learn to walk away to cool down first/ tell Mummy first when I get very angry.
I am sorry for forgetting my homework.	It was irresponsible and now I have less time for play.	Will you please forgive me?	I will learn to record all my homework down in my student journal.
I am sorry for leaving my dirty clothes on the floor.	It is a bad habit and gives you more work to do around the house.	Will you please forgive me?	I should put the dirty clothes in the laundry basket right after I come out of the bathroom.

Finally, I like to end off my apology sequence with hugs for all the people involved and an ‘I love you’. Then I know all is good.

The Most Important Mindset a Parent Should Have

Character Building

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March 25, 2022

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‘I am a role-model.’

That is the most important mindset a parent should have. Why? Because if we don’t exhibit the beliefs, values and attitudes in our actions, then nothing we say to our children will be convincing. Role-modelling is the single most important element that impacts whether a value sticks or not with our children. When we teach our children to persevere in the face of difficulty, they need to see us persevere in the challenges we face, be it in our work or family life.

Our actions reveal our true values and beliefs. Children are perceptive and can pick out the discrepancies in adults’ words and their actions. Research on children from Christian families who grow up and turn atheists found that parents’ hypocrisy had a large part to play. This calls for Christian parents to examine whether their daily life reflects their faith.

Impact of Role-Modelling on Children’s Relationships

Parents are the first people who show children how to interact with other people. When parents speak respectfully to children, the elderly and people from all walks of life, children learn that that is the right thing to do. Chilren also sub-consciously internalise our speech patterns, and mannerisms. Prejudice towards any social group often begins at home. When we show more positivity to a particular social group compared to another, children pick that up too.

There is a lot of research on how the interactions between husbands and wives impacts children’s views about marriage and gender identity. When parents model a loving and equal relationship, children sub-consciously absorbs the expectation of having such a relationship in their future marriage. They also have greater confidence in creating and maintaining a happy marriage.

Impact of Role-Modelling on Children’s Career Choices

What do Kate Hudson, Rahul Gandhi and Forrester Mars have in common? They are all children who followed their parents’ career choices. Kate Hudson is an actress in many successful films, including ‘Bride Wars’ and ‘Almost Famous’. She is the daughter of Goldie Hawn, an established actress in the 1980s. Rahul Gandhi is the son of the late Indian Prime Minister, Rajiv Gandhi. He joined active politics in 2004 and led the Congress Party into the 2019 Indian general election. As for Forrester Mars, he made the Mars Candy Company even more successful after taking over from his father in 1934. These children show how much easier it is to enter an industry when their parents show them the way.

These examples are also testament to positive role-modelling where children see that their parents’ career choices are viable and attractive.

Here are 2 things we can do to become better role models.

1. Be Authentic and Work on Yourself

Be authentic and real. Check whether the things you say match the things you do. Does the way you work and treat people reflect your values? When I had children, having personal integrity took on higher significance for me. Wanting to be good role-model has challenged me to be a better version of myself each day. Failures to meet my own expectations have also made me go into many moments of soul searching in order to overcome my weaknesses. I am a natural worrier and I see a similar pessimistic streak in my son. So whenever I catch myself worrying excessively about certain things, practicing the skills to stop worrying and leaning in on my faith have given me more confidence in guiding my son to do the same.

2. Make Role-modelling Visible

Share the experiences openly, good or bad. Show what you did and how you dealt with them. Some parents shield children from the challenges they face at work or marital conflicts. They want to keep family secrets in the closet. However, exposing children to the difficult situations adult face can be invaluable in building up children’s knowledge base on how to deal with similar difficulties when they grow up. Many children who are street smart build up their survival instincts because they personally experience difficult social environments. They develop practical strategies to navigate the world they live in.

For children in safe and sheltered environments, it is hard for them to gain such real-world exposure and practice problem-solving. This is why parents should share their experiences and explain how they deal with them. Our thinking process, actions and rationale for our choices make role-modelling visible to our children. Our regrets in life are instructive as well.

At dinner tables, we can talk about a difficult customer that we’ve encountered. Even if we are not able to resolve the issue, our children can still can take away something from the experience. When children see parents quarrel and apologise to each other openly, they see forgiveness rendered and how to resolve marital conflicts.

Revealing our weakness shows we are not perfect but we should also show that we are working on it.

In the safety of our home, we can process the various experiences adults face in age-appropriate language. This will help our children develop sensitivity, awareness of the real world, and help them mature.

Is Your Child Really Being Naughty?

Discipline

Joyce SJ Chua

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March 24, 2022

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“You’re wasting too much water,” I said.

“I’m not wasting water!!” M screamed.

M is at an age where she wants to assert her will and often does something against my instructions. Recently, she wants to shower alone by herself in the bathroom. Of course I said “no”. At 3.5 years old, while I think she can learn to shower on her own, I insist on standing at the side to supervise. M wastes a lot of water as she tends to stand off-center from the shower head. Much of the water would hit only the tip of her hair and run off her back. I have to keep telling her to move closer to the water source and shower quickly so as not to waste water.

After much instructing at the side, and much failure on her part to follow my instructions, I would ultimately need to step in to finish the job properly. That would inevitably start the tantrums. ‘I want to do this by myseeelf!’ She would wail and push me away. This shower conflict became a near daily affair.

A few days ago, when I stepped in to take over the showering from M, lamenting at the water she is wasting, she shouted again, ‘I’m not wasting water!’, something clicked in my head and I suddenly interpreted those words from her point of view.

M was not intentionally wasting water or playing with shampoo either. She just hasn’t fully learnt the skill of showering effectively and efficiently. My chidings made her look like she was naughty on purpose and deflated her sense of independence.

“You are right, M. You are not wasting water. You can’t see where your hair still has shampoo so you need more time to rinse your hair. Can you let Mummy help you there? The minute I said that, M’s attitude had a 180 degree change. She calmed down and looked surprised at this vindication. She then welcomed me to help her finish washing her hair.

Examine the Child’s Intention

The shower tantrum is similar to many actions that we adults perceive as ‘naughty’. Is the child really being naughty? It is important to first examine the intention of the child. The child may not be bad deliberately. Sometimes, he or she does not even know what is wrong.

Scribbling on the wall or bed? It might just be playfulness and curiosity to see what drawing on a different canvas is like.
Hitting another child? It could be because the child doesn’t know how to control his anger yet. He doesn’t mean to cause pain or hurt.
Throwing food on the floor? He has just discovered gravity and is experimenting to see what will happen when he throws food across the dining table.

When we label an act as ‘naughty’, it suggests that the child knows the act is wrong but still does it. Very often, the child is just impulsive and acts without thinking. The pre-frontal cortex—the rational part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and has awareness of long-term consequences—is only fully developed around age 25 years or so.

Create Buy-In for the Child to Learn the Behaviour and Skills

A child’s ability to control his actions will grow with age and training. Parents need to interpret his actions accurately in a way that is just and acceptable to a child. Children are more motivated to learn the right behaviour when we empathise with them and see the ‘wrong’ behaviour from their point of view. This makes them feel understood and not judged unfairly. This also creates buy-in so they are more willing to listen to your instruction.

Next, we also need to break down the behaviour into knowledge and skills they haven’t mastered yet. We can then better develop ways to teach them. For example, a wall scribbler can be taught to understand places that he can draw on and places that are off limits. He can be taught the consequences of damaging the wall or a blanket. For the child who hits out at others in a fit of anger, he can be taught strategies to handle his emotions and why it is wrong to hit another child.

Teaching the skill once is not enough though. Just like all new skills, it will take many reminders and practice. The child will repeat the mistakes but he may not be going against your instructions. He just hasn’t mastered the skills to control himself yet.