When asked if she has any hobbies, M my littlest said, “Yes, I like to look pretty.”
Bemused, the old lady who posed the question then asked her to explain how ‘looking pretty’ can be a hobby.
“Oh, I can paint my naaails, put on make-up, try different hairstyles, ya know?” M replied most innocently.
I sat there, slightly embarrassed, wondering if my daughter had given the impression that she was a vain airhead. I was having lunch with my friends, Uncle Marc and Auntie Qin, an elderly couple I had not met for some time. I had brought my youngest daughter M along and they were super happy to see her. While eating, Auntie Qin initiated a conversation with M to know her better.
M likes pink, having long hair, wearing dresses and playing with make-up. She enjoys L.O.L and barbie dolls. In short, she can be classified as a girly girl. M loves clothes, especially partywear. She goes gaga whenever she sees shimmering organza skirts, sequined blouses and floaty princess dresses. When she gets a new dress, she will put it on at the first instance at home, coordinating it with different accessories she owns. No one teaches her any of these. Her favourite colour is rainbow, so you will find quite a number rainbow patterned tops and bottoms in her wardrobe.
All things bling attracts her attention—shiny jewellery, sparkly stationary, glossy shoes and bags. Whenever we are at a shopping mall, she is bound to be attracted to something pretty and ask me to buy it for her. To prevent her from badgering me to buy her new things, I try not to bring her to shopping malls.
What’s my attitude towards M’s pursuit of ‘pretty’? The Chinese has this saying: 女人好看靠三分美,七分打扮, meaning that whether a girl is attractive depends on thirty percent beauty and seventy percent dressing up. Since it takes effort to dress up, my mother used to say that taking time to look good is a sign of taking pride in yourself, in showing respect to the person you are meeting or the occasion. I think there is much truth in her words.
To be honest, after having two older kids who would go to a wedding in PJs if they could, M is a breath of fresh air. On a typical day out to church or a restaurant, I could be nagging my son with his cockatoo hairdo to go comb his hair, or beseeching his older sister to swop out a hideously raggedy t-shirt for a more decent top. But M always comes out of her room looking immaculate– matching purple headband with purple top and white culottes, or cute mini skirt over leggings. The little fashionista has an intuitive sense of style and colour-coordination.
I do not know whether it is good or bad fortune that she finds a group of like-minded friends in her pre-school. Good—because they get along and have common interests to talk about. Bad – because they feed off one another’s vanity. When one girl went to school in the latest my little pony dress, other girls soon went to school with similar dresses. When another spotted a fancy braid, the others went home asking their mums to braid their hair too. There is a culture of gifting on one’s birthday. It is from her schoolmate that M got her first set of make-up kit (lip-stick, blush, eyeshadow, shimmer powder, makeup brushes all in). The mother who prepared the birthday gift must have found out about the girls’ similar interest in makeup. You cannot imagine her glee when she came home one day, squealing with delight at seeing her first nail polish set. Peer pressure made me get her nail polish (those non-toxic, water-based, kids-safe, 8-colours-in-a-set type) because I didn’t want her to be jealous of other little girls who have nail polish. Soon, not only would she would paint her nails, she would also paint my nails and her sister’s.
The family compliments her for well put-together looks, indulges her when she asks us to snap pictures of her in her special outfits and assists her when she smudges her makeup. I’ve never called her beauty pursuits frivolous, seeing them as innocuous fun. I too, was fascinated with my mother’s high heels and cosmetics as a child. I see M’s love of makeup and dressing up as a form of play, a form of experimentation arising from her curiosity about the adult world.
But at lunch that day, a moment of doubt washed over me. Would my daughter grow up to be a shallow vainpot because of my indulgence? Should I have discouraged from spending time playing dress up and encouraged more intellectual pursuits?
The conversation did not end there. Auntie Qin, after hearing M describe her favourite hobby, was totally not judgemental. She simply added that while it is good to be beautiful on the outside, M should work on being beautiful on the inside.
After a little silence, M asked, “What does beautiful on the inside mean?” her eyes ponderous at this head turning information that would could make her more beautiful.
“Ah, it means you are kind and helpful to your family, friends and everyone around you.”
“Oh I see.” M then simply went back to eating her lunch and playing with the toys she brought, leaving the adults to other conversations.
That night, I almost fainted with pride because in our nightly prayer at bedtime, other than the usual things we pray about, M included in her prayer, “Dear God, please help me to be beautiful on the inside and outside. Teach me to be kind.’
Whether by divine intervention or by chance, a wise old lady had inspired my littlest to contemplate what true beauty means and I am truly grateful to her for it. It prompted the beginning of new conversations between mother and daughter about healthy self-concepts, self-worth and self-determination. The world is increasingly image conscious, with unrealistic ideals of beauty fettered on both men and women. In the years ahead, I hope M’s confidence and character reach deep enough in the soil so as to be unshaken by cruel physical comparisons or lagoon definitions of beauty.