“You’re wasting too much water,” I said.
“I’m not wasting water!!” M screamed.
M is at an age where she wants to assert her will and often does something against my instructions. Recently, she wants to shower alone by herself in the bathroom. Of course I said “no”. At 3.5 years old, while I think she can learn to shower on her own, I insist on standing at the side to supervise. M wastes a lot of water as she tends to stand off-center from the shower head. Much of the water would hit only the tip of her hair and run off her back. I have to keep telling her to move closer to the water source and shower quickly so as not to waste water.
After much instructing at the side, and much failure on her part to follow my instructions, I would ultimately need to step in to finish the job properly. That would inevitably start the tantrums. ‘I want to do this by myseeelf!’ She would wail and push me away. This shower conflict became a near daily affair.
A few days ago, when I stepped in to take over the showering from M, lamenting at the water she is wasting, she shouted again, ‘I’m not wasting water!’, something clicked in my head and I suddenly interpreted those words from her point of view.
M was not intentionally wasting water or playing with shampoo either. She just hasn’t fully learnt the skill of showering effectively and efficiently. My chidings made her look like she was naughty on purpose and deflated her sense of independence.
“You are right, M. You are not wasting water. You can’t see where your hair still has shampoo so you need more time to rinse your hair. Can you let Mummy help you there? The minute I said that, M’s attitude had a 180 degree change. She calmed down and looked surprised at this vindication. She then welcomed me to help her finish washing her hair.
Examine the Child’s Intention
The shower tantrum is similar to many actions that we adults perceive as ‘naughty’. Is the child really being naughty? It is important to first examine the intention of the child. The child may not be bad deliberately. Sometimes, he or she does not even know what is wrong.
- Scribbling on the wall or bed? It might just be playfulness and curiosity to see what drawing on a different canvas is like.
- Hitting another child? It could be because the child doesn’t know how to control his anger yet. He doesn’t mean to cause pain or hurt.
- Throwing food on the floor? He has just discovered gravity and is experimenting to see what will happen when he throws food across the dining table.
When we label an act as ‘naughty’, it suggests that the child knows the act is wrong but still does it. Very often, the child is just impulsive and acts without thinking. The pre-frontal cortex—the rational part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and has awareness of long-term consequences—is only fully developed around age 25 years or so.
Create Buy-In for the Child to Learn the Behaviour and Skills
A child’s ability to control his actions will grow with age and training. Parents need to interpret his actions accurately in a way that is just and acceptable to a child. Children are more motivated to learn the right behaviour when we empathise with them and see the ‘wrong’ behaviour from their point of view. This makes them feel understood and not judged unfairly. This also creates buy-in so they are more willing to listen to your instruction.
Next, we also need to break down the behaviour into knowledge and skills they haven’t mastered yet. We can then better develop ways to teach them. For example, a wall scribbler can be taught to understand places that he can draw on and places that are off limits. He can be taught the consequences of damaging the wall or a blanket. For the child who hits out at others in a fit of anger, he can be taught strategies to handle his emotions and why it is wrong to hit another child.
Teaching the skill once is not enough though. Just like all new skills, it will take many reminders and practice. The child will repeat the mistakes but he may not be going against your instructions. He just hasn’t mastered the skills to control himself yet.