‘Arghhh!’ C moaned and writhed in agony on the floor, like a wounded animal. That’s how dramatic my son gets when he is frustrated with getting his Math questions wrong. I had pointed out his mistake in calculation and asked him to redo a Math sum, for the third time. Each time I made him check and redo the question, I could feel his temperature rise.
The third correction hit his threshold and he rolled about on the floor, refusing to get up. That’s when I evoked his strength of perseverance.
“You are a persevering boy, remember?” I said.
C became quiet at the crossroads– give up or continue?
As I helped him up, I added, “I’ll walk you through the question. You can do it.” Though he was reluctant, he picked up his pencil and followed my workings to arrive at the answer.
After the Math homework was done, he was visibly pleased with himself.
For the past two weeks, my conversations with my two older kids revolved around topics to help them spot and grow character strengths. After doing the VIA Character Strengths Survey (see my previous post on this), they each have some knowledge of what their own strengths are. However, these may be their innate strengths. There needs to be daily opportunities to exercise and improve on them, as well as grow new ones.
To help children apply and grow their character strengths, here are 5 things you can do.
1. Explicitly call out strengths to overcome daily challenges
We can identify and call out specific strengths our child has and can tap on to overcome his challenges. For instance, on a day when your child feels unmotivated to do his school work, highlight self-regulation and encourage him get it done anyway (regardless of how he is feeling). Or perhaps, use his creativity to come up with a fun method that can motivate him to complete his work.
2. Affirm strengths when you see them in action
Nothing motivates children more than praise. When we see them do something good and affirm them, it strengthens the good behaviour. So actively spot your child’s strengths in the things they do and praise them.
3. Create Visual Reminders
Create a Visual Reminder that lists your child’s top 5 strengths. Try to use pictures or get your child to draw his own visual representation. Visual reminders are much more effective than verbal ones, as visuals are both more memorable and increases the attention span. I made letter boards for my children and placed them by their bedside. Whenever they see their list of strengths, these strengths become more ingrained as part of their identity. Whenever they encounter a problem, I point to the board and invite them to think about how a strength may be applied to their problem.
4. Provide opportunities to grow the lesser strengths
Whatever character strength you would like to grow in your child, create opportunities for them to exercise those strengths. To grow leadership, let them make some decisions that impact the family, or task them to guide younger children in games. Research has shown that the transcendence strengths (appreciation of beauty & excellence , gratitude , hope , humor , and spirituality) lead to increased satisfaction with life. These strengths connect us to a larger universe and provide meaning. So some time ago, I started to intentionally grow gratitude. A nightly ritual was introduced where my family lists one thing we are grateful for that day. Whenever the kids say they have a bad day, we try even harder to find some silver lining that we can be thankful for.
It is also good to ask our children for their views on the lesser strengths they wish to develop and how they can do that. This will increase their intrinsic motivation. Writing them down and setting out an action plan will help them be more committed. My son would like to be braver. He is afraid of the dark, of the sea, of anything unknown. We have a night light in his bedroom. The challenge he set is to make the night light dimmer gradually until one day, he can sleep in the dark.
5. Use Reflective Questions to Grow Awareness and Spur Positive Action
Reflection helps children make sense of their experiences. When they describe their experiences retrospectively, they get to process their actions, motivations and belief systems. I use various reflective questions in our conversations. These questions are also meant to trigger thoughts about what could be done differently and how they could grow their strengths. Make sure you give sufficient time and not rush through these conversations. Click here to get my conversation topics for free.
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